I love silence because… Why do I love silence? It’s the opposite of the noise I’m absolutely sure I hate. As I write this I am surrounded by noise and I’m finding it hard to think of what I want to write. So I suppose the silence helps me with concentration. My first road block with this blog, writing about silence while pestered by noise. Now I have some of the sweet obsession of so many of us introverts let’s dissect what’s so special about silence. Like I said before it helps with concentration, I can solve problems a little easier when I’m in a quiet environment. In this case my problem was writing this post, now that I’m in a quiet place I’m finding that the words are flowing effortlessly and the ideas as well. This is true for me in many other situations that require concentration, I’m not entirely sure if other people can read in a noisy environment, now that I think about it it sounds stupid. But I find reading very difficult unless I have complete silence, the slightest sounds throw me off and I get distracted. The same thing happens with studying. I love silence because it helps me focus. I also love it because it allows me to be in the different wonderlands I create for myself in my mind on a daily basis. We all know about this, drifting off into some world you created for yourself where you’re king or queen, where there are no limitations and the only rules that apply are the ones you make. There’s something peaceful yet exciting about it. The possibilities are endless, whatever you say goes. What’s so great about silence? Everyone has their different reasons for loving silence. Silence is comfortable. Silence is calming. Silence is a hot bed for creativity. Silence is ours, in whichever way we choose to use it, in any place we find it. I’m interested to know how it helps other people.
Macklemore and Kesha made a beautiful song with this title and it really spoke to me as I know it will most likely speak to any person who listens to it. The song has many lyrics that hit some hard points that we’ve all experienced in one way or another. Like the chorus that says we’ll miss the magic of the good old days. How fucking true is that? Now your good old day might not be the same as mine or anyone else for that matter but we all reminisce on those days when everything seemed perfectly aligned and nothing went wrong in that time. A time we long for in the dull dreary existence we created for ourselves, a time when life was being lived at its fullest and the worries that cage us today were not yet created. For me those days were the days when I was a child whose only concern was what game to play next. I miss those days because the thought of time had no space in my mind and the worries of what I’ll become were not plaguing me just yet. All that mattered was fun, laughter and not getting stung by bees. Everyone of us has these days in our hearts and we seldom think of them but when we do how big is the smile that it puts on our faces? Back in those days we probably dreamt of the things we’d achieve when we got older, we couldn’t wait for it all, the world at our feet. Now that older has arrived we wish we were still young living in a time when things were simple. Very simple. In one part of the song Macklemore sings about things he wished he had done in the past, the regrets he had, the regrets we have. What regrets do you have? God knows I have my fair share. My biggest regret to date is how badly I messed up a relationship I was in. The thing that haunts me the most about it was all the promises I made, promises that I had every intention of keeping but now I can’t. I often wish I was more, more loving, more understanding and more willing to do whatever it took to build the relationship. Now I wonder if I’ve learnt from my mistakes and hope that if given the opportunity I’ll be better for the next person. Macklemore has some words that might give us comfort when staring at the faces of our regrets, maybe you always look back and think it was better than it was. Our regrets are in the past and our unknown future that we worry about hasn’t come yet, all we have is now and it’s passing us by without us taking the time to appreciate it. There are many good things happening to all of us right now in our lives, it could be as simple as being able to prepare food quite easily when you’re hungry or the prospect of a business idea that you’ve worked on for years. The fact is we have so much to be grateful for and even more to come. I want you to recognize your blessings and celebrate your achievements because as Kesha said “you don’t know what you’ve got until it goes, until it’s gone.”
The silence is torturous. I miss having someone to share it all with, whatever all was. Times like these make me fully aware that no amount of material wealth could ever fill the space of a warm body beside you, an ear to listen to your mad ideas or the sight of a smile that will no doubt melt your heart. Loneliness is a curse that we sometimes put on ourselves, a curse I fear I’ve put on my own life. From failed relationships to not believing I’m yet good enough to be in someone else’s life and to plain old fear. In one way or another fear drives us all, sadly my fear drives me away from the one thing I want most. Is it a case of me needing to be fixed, change my ways and become more courageous or is it just not the right time? The “right time”, how many of us wait for this elusive thing that never seems to show up? Just another excuse we use, I use to keep me in my little bubble of fear and familiarity. I want to change but in this area I have no clue how to even approach it. I’m not writing this as an expert or in a manner that suggests I know what I’m talking about. I’m writing this as a novice who needs help. I want to write about this problem I have but I am terrified. This problem as I mentioned before in a previous post has been with me for years and I’ve run out of ideas as to how I can solve it. I can dance around it as much as I like but the truth is I’m only fooling myself. But why? What’s so scary? Maybe I need a psychiatrist.
I am an introvert introverting at the highest level and becoming even more introverted. I dislike being around new people especially people my own age. I prefer speaking to older persons, the pressure seems to just melt away. Older people are kind and they speak about topics that are not mind numbingly stupid or useless. Being thrown into a new setting drains me of my mental energy. I often wonder if they think I’m weird for not wanting to contribute to their conversations or make a concerted effort to get to know them. It’s more likely that they don’t care and haven’t given me a second thought but when you don’t speak to anyone you have a lot of time to think and conjure ridiculous scenarios. The lack of a smartphone to put me in zombie mode so I can pretend I’m doing something of importance when I’m really looking at the settings for the millionth time has made my existence in this environment more difficult. I wonder what they think of below the surface of pretense in the moments before sleep when everything is still, dark and lonely. What challenges have they faced and continue to face? What dreams have been shattered into tiny unrecognizable pieces? What hopelessness has been ingrained into their souls that has become part of them and seems way too familiar? Any sane person reading this might say ask them you sad pathetic fuck but I feel it would be of no use. You see the questions I want answered are questions they either don’t ask themselves or bury under mountains of distractions. What a distracted species we are. How pompous and grandiose of me to think I am the only person who contemplates such things. They think about it. They wonder, they dream and they search. One thing we are all experts at is hiding. We hide our emotions, our thoughts and most importantly ourselves from the unknown. Fear of the unknown is true fear.
Marcus Garvey left an indelible mark on my views about certain topics. While reading his teachings I often thought to myself wow this man is a genius, how did he come up with some of these things or figure them out? I’m going to share some of his opinions because sadly they aren’t taught or spoken about much in the public space and many of us remain ignorant of his philosophy like I once was. One thing Marcus Garvey believed in at the highest level was organization. He often used the word Negro and it has caused some amount of controversy, personally I prefer to use the word black. So he preached feverishly about the organization of black people because in his words the greatest weapon used against black people is disorganization. This statement has been proven true time and time again in society even to this day. When a set of people are separated it is easy for them to be exploited because they don’t have a system in place whose most important goal is to protect them. Being organized is the only way black people can protect themselves from the atrocities that have been committed against them. However, the organization that he speaks of from my understanding isn’t an activist group or movement, don’t get me wrong these projects are great and they bring the awareness that is needed worldwide but Marcus Garvey dreamed of one government in Africa strong enough to protect all black people who are wronged around the world. Can you imagine what it would be like if Africa had a government capable and willing to shed blood and spend all the money needed to protect it’s people no matter where they reside. I believe all these cruel acts that have happened to black people over the years would have been drastically reduced. Marcus Garvey also believed in the power of education, he thought of it as the only way to protect yourself from injustice. Now what does this mean? Does it mean you have go to university? I’m not entirely sure and I think it’s really up to you because university isn’t the only way to learn. If you think that you can be disciplined and committed enough to study whatever topic it is you’re interested in then have at it especially if the expenses of university are far out of your reach. But the point is don’t sit and do nothing, learn as much as you can by any means necessary, any legal means that is. Go to the library, internet cafe, borrow books from friends, buy books, go to school, just go out and learn. My last teaching of the genius that was Marcus Garvey that I want to share is this ” Whatsoever man has done man can do.” The context that he said this in was that of Africa being redeemed, he believed with great passion that Africa can become as great as or even greater than other countries. But I like to view this quote in a personal way, we all have these magnificent dreams of what is possible for our lives and what we want to achieve in our lifetime. We also have our many doubts and fears that keep us from even trying to pursue our dreams but I would like to encourage you and tell you that you can achieve anything you dream of. There have been people who managed to escape poverty, many businesses have been built, people have found their dream careers and true happiness has been achieved many times. Therefore I say to you, whatsoever man has done YOU can do.
I always get asked this hollow question that is excreted from the mouths of people who don’t care if I lie to them or not. A hint, I’ll always lie. I have no intention of ever telling you that I’m spiraling out of control and have no clue what to do to extinguish the fiery mess that is my life. Lost is the word that best describes my current situation, lost and hopeless. I’ve used that word hopeless a lot lately because at this point it’s the only emotion I experience with unrelenting consistency. Readers of this post might be thinking oh great, another ‘troubled’ millennial complaining about how many choices he has. To that I say you are absolutely fucking right, the grand dilemma is that I have too many choices. Maybe life would have been easier if my only choices were farm, fish or hunt but sadly evolution has forced me into a life of complexity and comfort. Evolution you bastard! Am I OK? Fuck no. How could I be okay not knowing what it is I want to do with my life? How could I be okay with an addiction that has been with me for almost as many years as the fingers on my hands? How could I be okay with being an introverted wreck who relishes the few moments I can escape my own thoughts? I’m not okay with feeling like a disappointment because this cruel feeling never gives me a fucking break. There’s your answer but you didn’t hear it from me.